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Understanding The Complexities When Marrying Someone With An Insecure Attachment

married a narcissist

Marriage is often regarded as a sacred bond built on love, trust, and mutual respect. However, some individuals find themselves in relationships with partners who exhibit insecure attachment behaviors. Discovering that you are married to someone with a conflictual personality who is more than often or not on the defense can be painful.

We will delve into the complexities surrounding the avoidant attachment style and shed light on the factors that contribute to their deep-rooted fears of abandonment or rejection.

Unconscious attraction to charisma and confidence:

Those with an insecure personality complex often possess an unmatched charisma and self-assurance that can be alluring. At the initial stages of a relationship, their charm can be captivating, making it easy to overlook or dismiss the warning signs that may lead to an unhealthy relationship. Their ability to make you feel special and desired can create an intense emotional bond that masks their underlying deep rooted insecurities, unhealed childhood wounds, and grandiose sense of self. It can be so mesmerizing that one often loses sight of their values in the process when making decisions purely on emotion.

Idealization and love bombing:

They are often skilled at idealizing their partners during the early stages of a relationship. They shower their significant others with attention, compliments, and extravagant gestures, creating an illusion of a perfect partner. This love bombing technique can make you feel valued and cherished, leading you to believe you have found your ultimate soulmate. Unfortunately, it is a manipulation tactic that masks their true intentions of getting you hooked so you won't want to leave them.

Love bombing can happen all the way into the first to third year of marriage, only to later realize you may feel like you are a burden to their life. They project a fantasy world to keep you hooked and under their control when really it was about feeding their insecurities so you'll never leave them.

Vulnerability and empathetic:

People who are empathetic can have unhealed childhood wounds, such as people-pleasing tendencies, or those who have experienced past relational trauma may unknowingly gravitate towards arrogant partners. On the flip side, the toxic partner also has unresolved wounds except they don't face them and hide behind their wounds. This leads to manipulative personalities targeting individuals who are susceptible to their tactics or those who on the surface are successful or attractive, making them look superior to others in their inner circle.

Their ability to exploit vulnerabilities can create an unhealthy power dynamic in the relationship, with them exerting control over their spouse's emotions and actions. They tend to have extreme envy and jealousy if their partner succeeds them professionally, intellectually, or creatively even though that's what they were initially drawn to in the first place. They will try to find their partner's shortcomings and use it as a weapon against them to punish them or find a way to say their partner would never be successful without them. This behavior is a self-sabotaging mechanism to break down your self-esteem and confidence so you don't feel good enough to leave them - their biggest fear.

Familiarity with unhealthy patterns:

Sometimes, individuals who grew up in dysfunctional family environments, where unhealthy behavior was prevalent with one or more caregivers, may unknowingly seek out similar dynamics in their adult relationships, such as a romantic partner, friends, or a boss.

Familiarity, even if it is unhealthy, can subconsciously draw individuals towards emotionally destructive partners. It's often people will select romantic partners similar to the parent they struggled the most with during their childhood years as it's how they received love and what feels comfortable.

Emotional manipulation and gaslighting:

The psychologically abusive partner is skilled in emotional manipulation and gaslighting, which can make it challenging to recognize their true nature. They excel at distorting reality, making their partners doubt their own perceptions and feelings, where the partner actually believes they are wrong or made a mistake when their narcissistic partner becomes upset with them. Over time, this can erode your self-esteem and creates a sense of dependence on the trauma bond because you may be too fearful to leave and second-guess your own decision-making.

Even though you are very caring, loving, and would do anything for them, they may take advantage of your kindness. They can see you as someone who is there to serve their needs, fulfill their dreams, and if you don't comply, they may make home life quite miserable for all. Some emotionally avoidant spouses will even bring their children into the marital discord for leverage while isolating their partner.

Fear of abandonment:

Some individuals have an intense fear of being alone or abandoned, which makes them susceptible to remaining in relationships with toxic partners. The constant cycle of idealization, devaluation, and occasional validation from their emotionally abusive partner can create a powerful emotional attachment, despite the toxicity of the relationship. The fear of losing the intermittent moments of affection can outweigh the negative aspects of the partnership, as they feel deeply alone without their spouse.

The manipulative spouse knows you are unlikely to leave them which is why they continue to behave the way they do. They strongly believe they hold all the power and you feel stuck dealing with their destructive ways, even though at the root of it all is a self-fulfilling prophecy that they don't feel good enough to be with you.

Discovering that you are married to an avoidantly attached partner can be an emotionally overwhelming experience. Understanding how you were blinded by their manipulation is a crucial step towards healing and regaining control of your life. By recognizing the allure of charming traits, the manipulation tactics employed, and your own vulnerabilities or lack of boundaries, you can begin to untangle the complex web that led to marrying them.

If find yourself wanting to turn your relationship around, seek support from loved ones, consider relationship coaching, and focus on rebuilding your self-esteem and establishing healthy boundaries. Remember, it is never too late to prioritize your well-being and find the path to a healthier and happier future.


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